I was reading today and someting just made so much sense to me.  Sometimes I just feel like things are sort of pointless since the death of Lizzie. I feel like I cant get myself back on track. The author of the book (who had lost his 21 year old son) made this point. I can imagine meeting Lizzie in heaven and her saying, "What did you do all those years since I died?" What will I tell her? I need to go on living because I still have choices now. The choice is either that I do something positive to make Lizzie proud of me or how can I explain when I meet her again that I wasted my life. I know she would be disappointed. Just something to think about.

Liz,

I still can't even believe all of this, the only thing that makes it real is not seeing you. I still talk about you like you are here, even my new friend says she feels like she knows you! Everything reminds me of you even new things, I always think Liz would like this. I know that it is selfish, but I want you back here with me and I wish that you never had to go! Everyday gets harder and harder... I just wish that I could talk to you, laugh with you, cry with you, go "shopping" with you, just do the things that we used to do. I miss you so bad. I wish that I could have told you how much you mean to me. Our "annual" fights were so stupid and pointless. I will always look at you as a sister and my bestfriend! XOXO!

                                                          August 2008

 

Dear Lizzie,

 

It was not that I had planned for you to come into my life

But I fell in love with your Mom and made her my wife.

 

You were your Mom’s baby girl full of mischief and fun

You were my unknown adventure that had just begun.

 

I watched you stretching your wings and finding your way

In search of who you were or who you would become one day.

 

We were two stubborn people building our bond bit by bit

Finding we were more alike, you and I, than we cared to admit.

 

The excellent potential I saw in that beautiful young girl

Was a test of my patience waiting for it all to unfurl.

 

We had our share of fights with Mom acting as the referee

some were exciting enough to have deserved an admission fee!

 

Thru it all you have given me much more happy than sad

With a daughter like you I was proud to be a dad.

 

My heart grew to love you as if you were my very own

You were no less special than my children who were grown

 

Your choices and your actions were often perplexing to me

But God has His plans that are sometimes difficult to see.

 

You gave me a gift of the most beautiful “Grand” boy

He is so cherished and loved and fills my heart with such joy.

 

God in His wisdom chose to take you away

Yet you live on in Aayden’s smile and spirit everyday.

 

You taught me more in your death than all I had learned before

I will thank you when I see you again on the heavenly shore.

 

                                                                  I love you Lizzie

                                                                             Big “B”

 

my dear sweet lizzie,

i hadn't written in a while, i  now know that you are really never going to physically be with us again, thats a REALLY REALLY HARD PILL TO SWALLOW! i think maybe i am in the acceptance phase of this bullshit called grieving! i feel that i say the same old things all the time, but what else is there??  life does go on, its  NOT THE SAME, NOR WILL IT EVER BE THE SAME, but i know that aayden deserves his grandma in a  healthy frame of mind.  Most times i have tears welled up in my eyes, he knows when i cry, he says are you crying grandma, and  he brings me tissues, and then he looks sad and that's when i tell myself that i cant' do this too him, he is just a baby and he deserves a happy, healthy environment:)....But let me tell you how hard it is. sometimes i don't feel like being happy. most times i am in my room thinking of you, wishing you were here, i talk with you, i mourn for you. I miss you and love you and keep thinking back to that horrible horrible day, the day that I NEVER EVER THOUGHT WOULD EVER HAPPEN IN OUR FAMILY! my beautiful baby girl taken from me.....MY BFF!!!!!  Your death really took a huge toll on my spirit and my soul.....but lizzie i know that you would want me to be happy, so i am really trying. everybody tells me how strong i am, how good i am doing. they don't know the tears that i have every night when i go to bed and every morning when i wake up. they dont realize the emptiness that i have in my heavy heart.

Ya know i did finish my degree.  I am officially an RN!  it killed me to wak on that stage  knowing that you weren't sitting in the audience!  we talked about our schools all the time.  Remember how you were so proud of me when i made good grades??  you were always the first person i called when i got my test results back:)   God, i miss those phone calls.   I really miss you showing up at my work and me taking you to lunch.  I miss You baby! 

The job i took is in a trauma ICU, its a very busy unit with 18 beds of sadness and tragedy.  The other day a 15 year old girl died from  a car accident.  She hung on for several days before God decided that she was to go to Him.  I felt her parents pain, but i also was able to put some closure on your accident, b/c i thank God that you went fast and didn't have to suffer for days.  I took care of a 24 year old young male who was also in a car wreck, he lingered on for a couple of weeks, his parents were wonderful and put his fate into God's hands.  Then one day God decided to take him , i went home that night and cried and cried, he suffered, he got really sick as a result of his injuries and again all i kept thinking thru all my tears was thank God once again for not putting my baby thru that hell!! I just wish that i got to  hang onto you that morning! you didn't want to go to school, but you did! if we only knew, but we don't.  But i do remember me and you telling each other we love each other, im so Glad for that.  i wish that i would have hung onto you and never let you go! i always wanted to keep you as my baby.  I knew that i coudn't, but i was so thankful for our relationship. we had some really really  mommy daughter times.  we were and always will be close.  You are in my heart, my soul my baby

i love you

XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOXXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXXO

You never said I'm leaving
You never said good-bye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knew why

A million times we've needed you,
A million times we've cried.
If love alone could've saved you,
You never would have died.

In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place,
No one else will ever fill.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone.
Part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.